the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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