Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
