Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
