we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
