I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
