brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
