I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
