Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
