The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
