Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
