I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
