Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
