I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
