I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
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we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
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Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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