if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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