You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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