I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize