I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
