i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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