Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
