More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
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I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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