Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
