Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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