I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
