If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
