you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
