i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
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