new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
