Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost