If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
