don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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