Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
