I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
