I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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