Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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