I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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