Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Be still, my beating vagina.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
