I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
