I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
