and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
