Im at strip club and am horny
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
