Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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