i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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