I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
