I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
