why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
