Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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