i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
