Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
