If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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