I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
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I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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