Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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