All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
