I haven't been this sober since birth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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