they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
