If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
