cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
