Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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