The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
