Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
