Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
